Letting Go

Is it not often we find ourselves holding onto the things we do not need and let go of something which has the potential to nourish or nurture us because the latter is a bitter experience to face. We forget or willingly fail to see the long- term benefits at times in favour of immediate gratification of some sort. My experience is that this arises from a latent fear thereby promoting a sense of lassitude or perhaps a preferred sense of ignorance which helps push the matter at hand into the background..well until the next time the same issue crops up. By the same token, experience has also shown me that swallowing a bitter pill in the beginning saves many a hardship later on. Sometimes taking this step is forced upon you and at others you take that step summoning up the requisite degree of courage for the task at hand.

Letting go of something or someone unsavory or even a relationship especially if it or the person(s) is unhealthy for our overall development or well-being is not an easy task for most of us. Whatever be the reason for holding on, we have established some degree of a comfort level and letting go creates an imbalance, which can be unpleasant, coupled with, dare I say it-a sense of relief.

Take a common habit like smoking for instance. It is a personal choice for you to smoke and you should exercise your right to do so, if that is your inclination. The pack displays a statutory warning that smoking will injure your health/damage your lungs, etc etc. Yet a smoker would go ahead with it for the relaxed state or the 'high' it provides especially at the first hints of stress or just for the feel-good factor. Nevertheless What I find fascinating is the fact that a smoker would read the statutory warning just about every time (s)he opens the pack, what effect does this have on the mind or the subtle levels below the everyday thoughts floating to keep the mind occupied?

We all have an in-built mechanism of self-preservation whereby we avoid something fatal such as standing before a speeding train or jumping off a building so as not to bring our lives to an abrupt end. However if we make it a habit to stand on the open highway or on a rail track on a regular basis we are aware of the risk of being run over by something very fast, large and death is a certainty in any event. By undertaking a hazardous activity we are consciously fighting our natural inclination for self-preservation. One may argue that death/disease comes to us all and it can occur at any time so why bother with restricting ones self in what one does. There are other risks we take on a day-to-day basis which are much more life threatening or harmful and which can contribute to us negatively. While this may be true, I would like to ask that by undertaking a hazardous activity are we not increasing the risk of bringing an untimely end to our lives even where perhaps the degree of that risk was not high to begin with? Every time we smoke or consume a harmful drug, what messages are we sending to ourselves, our bodies or for that matter to the universe at large?

Isn’t the message something like this-"I am aware of the harmful and disintegrating nature of what I am doing to my body, to myself but I do not really mind the early onset of my death, in fact I am doing what I can in preponing my departure from this world and deriving whatever form of pleasure, in any way I can."

The message may also go like this- "I know this is harmful to me and where applicable, harmful to those around me but the 'high' I obtain from it is worth the suffering I or other may have to face later. My immediate satisfaction is my sole concern for now. I do not really have any concern for my well-being or the well-being of others."

Another message may go like this - " I don’t mind shortening my lifespan or consciously increasing the risk of an early death because I do not feel I have anything significant to contribute anyway. There is nothing special about me and I don’t like who or what I am. The world isn’t such a great place and the only way to deal with it is to escape through a particular practice even though it is slowly destroying me from within."

It is interesting to note that in ancient times in India and in many other civilizations around the world, one was valued as much for inner beauty as for one’s physical beauty. One took in what was pleasurable of course but also bearing in mind the holistic benefits of what was consumed. One possessed a greater sensitivity to the inner world and could gauge the inner health, habits and lifestyle of another simply by outer appearance alone.

I wonder how beautiful we would consider ourselves if we actually saw the noxious substances we may feed ourselves with. Would you still consider yourself a sexually desirable or attractive if you could just look at all the smokers tar building inside your lungs or if you had a meter to gauge the vast numbers of brain cells you destroy in your brain as your liver strains to break down the high alcohol content in your blood as a result of binge drinking. How about being able to gauge the suffering you may have to undergo once your lungs, liver or even brain give up on you.

There is a saying :"We live as if we will never die and die as if we never lived."

This is quite apt for the most of us. Time is relative and our sense of self, say 50 years from now is the same as it is now. Pain is the same at both points in time. How would you react now if you had to undergo the suffering your habit will bring on you at that point in time?

Back to ancient times- while death, disease etc was an accepted norm where one does not have much of a say in, it was widely believed that each person had some purpose in this life and that purpose was one's duty. To protect the body, as our own private vehicle, to nourish it with what is beneficial, was part of that duty. Contrast that with today where we go about our business, consuming foods containing chemicals, pesticides, drinking beverages, which slowly but surely erode our digestive tracks, our livers and inhale gases which leave residues of thick tar or other toxic substances in our lungs and blood. It is not a wonder that our children are born with learning difficulties, disabilities; new diseases mutate every day and our life-spans shorten.

It is understandable that we wish to run or hide away from all of this, from the problems of our lives and live in the make believe reality of a 'high' howsoever short that may be. But what about purpose, what are we really in this place for? If we just start asking ourselves this question, perhaps we may receive an answer, which is unique and personal to ourselves. I believe that destiny is written for us but I also believe that we have the power to alter our destiny by the choices we make. We do wield the pen, which writes the future chapters of our lives.

It is believed that the only way to let go of a destructive habit is to start cultivating constructive habits in their place. Eventually they will dissolve the destructiveness in anything you may be doing. Destructive habits are said to help seed destructive patterns of behaviour, which on the face of it may or may not be related. Could it be that there exists some a latent form of self-hate or a lack of self-love in all of this? After all why would one undertake something hazardous to ones self in complete awareness of the dear price to pay later?

One may argue that a life bereft of risk is timid and pointless. I agree with that, by all means take risks, make choices which may be risky to yourself provided there is a greater good, there is some purpose served. How can your addiction help save anybody? We may serve better examples to those to come after us by exemplifying what we can or should do than by being example of what we should not do or be.

How does it benefit others? How does it fulfill myself? What am I in this world to do, to contribute? Am I or is someone else paying a price by undertaking this practice?

Ultimately whatever we may do, be it constructive or destructive for ourselves, we make our own choices every moment of our lives and these choices determine the moments to come. Love for ones-self, faith in ones-self, faith in one's purpose in this world, if one has this, the extent of having it determines how we go about our lives.

I know it is quite uncool to talk of matters of faith or love but while I am on a roll here and you have been patient enough to read this far, I shall mention God as well. Whatever God may be to you in your heart of hearts, there is something beyond and within all of us. If and when I find myself doing something which is destructive to myself, be it physically, emotionally or mentally, when pushed to the wall I do try to let go and what better way to do that than to surrender it to the maker - him/her/itself. Surrendering to this greater more creative power vastly enables me in overcoming the rigid personal demons should they crop up. Letting go isn’t easy, be it a destructive pattern, habit or a destructive relationship;

But if you have a little bit of faith in yourself and if you have retained that tad bit of wonder you used to have when you got your first bicycle when you were 4 years old and planned to cycle around the world..you can make miracles happen, you should know...you are one yourself!

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend
but then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own
at last I snatched them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child", He said
"What could I do? You never did let go."
-unknown

The Wind

The breeze, cool,clear blazes through the open window onto me..ahh what freedom that flow signifies. It rings bells in the distance, rustles leaves in nearby trees, waving, meandering, flowing, the wind moves above, below, up ahead and beyond.

I pause to wonder, how often do we recognise the simplest of things. around us...the trees, birds nests held in their branches.. the light damp grass at our feet, the space between ourselves and other people, other things...raindrops falling to soothe our troubled or ever racing minds...what about light blazing from the sun, the moon..it's like the whole universe is talking to us through all these magical wonders and I wonder how many of us respond in kind, if at all.

I almost feel as if the wind flowing around my ears is telling me something..could they be words I hear..could they be signs of some nature as yet unknown to me? Imagination you say- I think not for I hear laughter, peals and peals of laughter...not just the voices of people but laughter beyond that. Maybe that's just it, the message is of joy, of happiness, the universe is filled with it. There is bliss in this breeze and I accept it's magnificent gift..I send it to you now..do you hear it too? Just listen...

She

She searches
For a moment,
far removed from any she has encountered before.
For a lover, rare, honest and true,
someone who can read the poetry in her soul,
understand the delicacy of her heart.
Lord fulfill her humble yearning,
may her heart see its reflection
while her faith still stands strong.

She searches
for a sense of peace,
one which could wipe away the tears of a thousand sorrows,
one so young, yet lives so old.
she fears, she protects, she hides,
within the crystallised forests of her mind;
pain and disappointment have been her companions;
she holds onto simple pleasures, joys and yet
she closes her heart to a thousand possibilities.
Oh lord allow her hearts desires..

One so noble in heart, such depth in her soul,
yet powerful anger, disappointment offset by a cruel, cold world
Lord, all she wants is to love and be loved
purely, endlessly, incomparitively, unconditionally,
but the fear, it controls, it dilutes, it sucks the life out of her intentions,
innocence bound in the confines of memory
and a lack of promise for the possibilities of a
magical tomorrow.

She searches
for a higher purpose, a grander plan,
to grow, to become more than who she is,
She meanders, blissful, happy, lost in the roam,
she already is perfect and she knows it,
She laughs with wild abandon
at the idiosyncrasies of this world.
She loves the variety, she is intrigued by the many,
she pictures, she connects, the power of an image
binds her to the colours, the natural tapestries
of the universe all around her.

She searches for the one among many
she respects the diversity
it stimulates her, mystifies her
a myriad connections and yet a greater sense of self
in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of people
come and gone..like a candle glowing in a vacuum of darkness
there is a greater love, a deeper compassion
an unconditional acceptance,
she waits, she hopes..she knows

She is God's very own child
special and close
for when tears dry and laughter subsides
the melody of her voice
sweetens the universe
She is dear, she is loved
oh how she is loved..

The Swan

A chilly winters evening in the park. A few roller skaters whizzed by, some happy folk walking their dogs, children feeding the pigeons, the ducks. The skies were clear, imbued with colours of the setting sun - cream, yellow, orange, magenta, red. Like a great, big, fried egg in the sky the sun took its leave from a world too caught up in events on the ground to notice.

I sat by the calm waters of the lake sipping my coffee, soaking in the sounds of the world around me, the distant siren of a police car, scattered laughter of children playing in the background, the lapping of the waters by ducks nearby and then the silence. Such glorious silence, so quiet and yet so loud, my innermost ears rejoicing in the melody of the space within; eyes open - beauty, eyes closed - beauty.

Eyes open and I see her..she ambled over to me over the water...prim and proper, light as a feather..efortless and sublime, she arched her neck upwards, the regality of her poise stunned me as she surveyed the world around her. Then she spotted me.I couldn't supress a smile at this beauty all white and the most delicate features. She sensed the warmth in my smile and ever so slowly, graced me with her presence as she came closer to the edge of the water.

Pray what manner of creature are you?" I enquired "Peerless in beauty and exuding sheer grace."
As if in answer she flapped her magnificent wings for a brief moment just to besot me further and then, did I spot a subtle smile?
"Surely, you flatter me kind sir" she replied, " for I am not merely this beauty you see. I was not born composed of such poise nor did I always exude such grace"
"I find that hard to believe" I said, "did you fall from some far off heaven?"
She laughed at my childlike curiosity and then told me " I just am...I know not where I'm from, nor why I am here or why I am the way I am. I just exist thats all. Tomorrow I may be someone, something else..whatever happens, I just am."
I was quiet, humbled by the wisdom of utter simplicty. Uncomplicated by notions of coming or going, beauty or belonging. Just being, thats al.

We stayed silent for a long moment and then she giggled "See what I can do." She paddled silently to the middle of the lake, spread her wings majestically and arched her long slender neck upwards to the sky. She then let out a soft shrill, a call to the heavens with the backdrop of the setting sun behind her. I was filled with awe at such magnificent splendour.

She turned and softly glided back towards me, golden snow floating in the water close to me by the waters edge.

"Thank you" I said, "You are such a magnificent creature. "
"And so are you,"she responded, "you more than most"
"How so?" I asked.
" For you have the vision to see beauty in all things, and to absorb beauty, you have to be beautiful within and that you already are"
" But not everybody can see that oh beauteous one" I responded "there are those who choose to see only hurt where there is none"
She was quiet for a moment and then smiled at me "for the longest time, I was the ugliest amongst my siblings. It used to hurt me, I let it bother me, but then I also knew I was beautiful, deep, soulful. My friends could fly the longest distances and my sisters could dance like the earth was made for their feet. Yet in the face of all my inadequacies I was always this and in time this is what I became. Tomorrow whatever I may become, I will always know who I am truly."
She stooped her long neck under water for a few moments and re-surfaced, refreshed.
"Know yourself. You are like no other and your purpose is truly high. Do not lose sight on love, whether you are responded to, in love or hate. Love with all your being for you have so far to go and the path ahead is an adventure like no other."
"How do I know where I have to go?" I asked.
" Follow your heart...you already know the path" she gleamed.
I thought to myself and realised...I did.

Knowing she had given me the message she was sent to give, she flapped her wings once more and some of the water sprayed onto me-
"Laugh, everything is perfect with the world and perfect with you." She giggled again.

I watched her glide across the water away from me into the fading light of the setting sun.

Sometimes..

Sometimes..
The memories of a thousand lifetimes
flash before your eyes,
the moment you meet your love,
you know not where
or when
but you just know..her.

Sometimes..
The one whom you want the most,
Isn’t always the one who needs you;
And deep down,
You already know it.
But you crave her so dearly
Your heart is on fire,
your mind consumed with desire,
an all encompassing yearning..
but once you let go..if you let go,
you are free, released,
from the prison of your own longing.

Sometimes..
You force yourself down a path,
you cannot turn your back on;
and although in your heart of hearts,
you yearn to be where you once were;
The forces generated out of choices made,
bind you to the spot, in the direction you’re headed;
You can only let your faith, your love be your guide.

Sometimes..
You want to communicate,
the dizzying heights of your soul
to your lover;
but words fail you,
for nothing comes close;
Perhaps words were not created for that purpose.

Sometimes..
You give and you give and you keep on giving,
Thinking, believing, knowing you are in love;
and you are..
But in reality you only scare away the one you’re giving to;
for the object of your affection may fear possible expectations
which inevitably arise from being given so much.
It is the way in which the world moves after all…
Can you blame her for her fear?

Sometimes…
And maybe always…
It is perhaps a greater love, a profound love,
a deeper love, a truer love,
to free your lover from being the recipient,
of bearing the burden of your heart,
of all your soul, of all your being;
to allow your love to free your lover
of all binds which tie,
of all fears, of all obligations,
of all pressures, of all needs,
of expectations, of all returns,
however unknown they may be to the lover or his beloved.

Love that simply is…
love which runs wild..runs free
love which uplifts, which enriches..
love which heals..which completes..
such love can never be lost,
for it is never taken..never controlled..never possessed
such a love is at first glance, difficult to give or even receive
in the face of a lover’s own fears
but once understood, once realised…
once given with no expectations, no holding back..
such love flows from the innermost chambers of one’s own heart..
it encompasses both the lover and the beloved
it pervades through the very fibre of their souls
such love is divine ..
such love heals..
such love frees..
such love is eternal..
lover and beloved are one - forever…