Who said lawyers are not comedians?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: You're kidding me, right

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you liketo rephrase that

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

The Flame

I've been searching for so long
Now I'm chasing the shadows away
I've been trying, yes I tried to find my way
No more crying in this make or break decade

There were times when I was down
There were times I felt so low
My whole life just seemed to be
A senseless quest for energy
But I carry your flame
All through my life, I'm a believer
Peace deep in our hearts, all things must pass
But we'll be together again

I've been walking
I've been walking in the rain
When the angel of my intuition whispered hello
Well I was quite surprised to face
That kind of incarnation
Love comes always unexpected
Love strikes blind and undircted
Love is the answer

Love is all we need my friend
How you came and changed the weather
How I wanna live forever
I carry your flame
All through my life, I'm a believer
Peace deep in our hearts, all things must pass
But we'll be together...

Lyrics: Alphaville http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khxVoG7YKXw